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[25 Jun 2012|06:50pm]
I "started" Cuesta again. First time in 5 years. I psyched myself out though, and have been to only one class so far, and it was Poli-Sci, U.S. Gov't. Which I'm confused as to why I had to take it in high-school if it was required in College. If I could do this life over again, I would skip out on high-school again for sure, but I would start at the beginning in Ind. Studies and gone to Cuesta for all my classes. I could've graduated from high-school with a diploma and an AA degree. I also signed up for Speech, but that was wishful thinking.

I don't know what is keeping me from accomplishing the simplest tasks. I don't know why I am sending myself into an even deeper hole. I blame it on the anxiety, and even though it feels debilitating at times, I am still able to buy cigarettes, talk to my friends, go to the nude beach, and work sales downtown adequately. So if I am able to do these things, then I should be able to go to school. And then my anger kicks in because I still haven't pushed myself hard enough to go. I think self-pitying thoughts, and then I want to die.

And then the jealousy come in. I am jealous of all my friends, except for the boys K and I hang out with. So I become angry with them, and I isolate myself.

Is this the cycle I've been repeating and am going to continue to repeat?

[15 May 2012|09:34pm]
I am ashamed to say I've cried today. I am proud to say I've smoked one cig today. I am sad to say I've lost weight. Everything tastes weird. I would like to go to the doctor's when I get home, but since I don't have insurance I will have to go to my mom's work, California Health Ctr., and the doctors there are more interested in getting you in and out of there rather than finding out why this and that. I hate doctors.

Why do I always lose weight when I am on vacation with my mom? She doesn't eat at night usually. So I don't eat. I am a little more picky about what I put into my body, while she doesn't care. We made numerous mistakes at Wal-Mart today with our food/drink purchases, mainly because we are not Spanish-speaking visitors. Orange flavored drink instead of orange juice. It would've been easy to see that it was fake stuff if we glanced at the ingredients, but neither of us did. Oh well. Guess I'll be dining on water, bananas, and bread goodies from the always-impressive bakery.

[02 May 2012|03:49pm]
I tried the effervescent heated blanket, and it stayed with me until morning. I tried the ice shards that give you butterflies in your skin. I tried them both within 2 days of each other. I can't say that I am worse for it. I can't really say anything about either of them.

I have a job. I am signed up for school. And I am steadily becoming more dependent on substances. Although today I am fine, the last 2 days were heavy emotionally, and the invisible frustration latched on so hard that my only relief was dosing up on benadryl so I could sleep the feelings away.

There are obvious signs, but I'm not sure who is picking up on them.

[30 Apr 2012|09:27pm]
It's interesting... how one who has never had an addiction problem can possibly relate to a client. Sure wish Kara would just go to beauty school since she can gossip and play dress-up all day.

[30 Apr 2012|09:25pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Are you wasting away in your skin
Are you missing the love of your kin
Drifting and floating and fading away

Do you smile like a girl when you smile
Can you bare not to share with your child
Drifting and floating and fading away

Little lune
All day
Little lune

Do you carry the moon in your womb
Someone said that you're fading too soon
Drifting and floating and fading away

Are you wasting away in your skin
Are you missing the love of your kin
Nodding and melting and fading away

Little lune
All day
Little lune


[14 Apr 2012|02:21am]
I can't sleep. I think the sinus infection I got when I was 15 never went away, and these 9 years it flares up when I am living more unhealthy than normal. Reading my past entries puts this thought into my head. I also think that I've been distracting myself with boys and sex for far too long. 10 years too long. Definitely seems like a fitting time to change that.
My uterus is also angry with me at the moment. The pain spasms have traveled from my stomach area to my back and now travel up to say Hi to my brain.

I'm having a furniture sale tomorrow, so I have to wake up fairly early. And then I attempted to make plans with Soup. I don't know if I will be feeling up to it at this point, but I feel like it would be good for me to hang out with some friends. Act Normal, Ashley. Geeze.

[13 Apr 2012|08:32pm]
It's funny reading all these old entries. I can't imagine the person that I used to be. Reading words that I typed so fervently. It's odd.

It's like a stranger was living my life up until now.

Who is that girl? And who is that boy she was so in love with?

I read his journal too. I guess he loved her too... at one point. His words could be confused with another boy's, they're so similar. It's a wonder they never became best friends.

K is trying hard to keep me in his life, just like the other boy did, although it's hard for me to remember that time. He stopped caring. Just like K will. Just like my dad did...

I've tried hard to keep them in my life, but my wishes for friendship fall short when they want to undress me and throw me on a bed.

If I want to see what will happen with future relationships, all I need is to look at my relationship with D, or the relationship that my mother and father had. It's such a frustrating cycle. It's hard to resist the comfort and drug-like-state that comes with falling for someone. But I will do my best from now on. There is no reason to have a long-term relationship for me, because I've never wanted to get married. And I realize now that having children in the future is moot. It's a selfish way to preoccupy the downward slope of your life. My mother told me last night: "If I have no family, no friends anymore... why should I go on? What's there to look forward to?"

My initial reaction was anger. I am angry at her for not setting a better example for me, someone she cares about and knows to have struggled with depression for a loooooong time. And my anger made me want to prove her wrong. So I fought back my fury, and said, "You don't have to make your life about people. You don't have to focus on anyone but yourself. Life can be about learning and growing, and making yourself better."

And so there is my answer to my own burning question. Why go on? People come and go in your life, there's no changing that. You are stuck with yourself though. And I am exhausted from this self-hatred.

[25 May 2011|04:13pm]
ANGER. The feeling does not come through in letters or words. Just makes me feel... less.
I want to scream and bash and kill. Let the anger rise and flood over. But instead I feel like utter and complete shit.
Rationality is not needed. I'll let that train ride another time.

Illinois [06 Oct 2010|12:18pm]

I listened to sufjan stevens' 'Chicago' as i drifted off to sleep finally around 5 this morning. I haven't been able to sleep or eat well since we got here. It doesn't help that i cut weed from my diet cold turkey or cut down on the cigs. It also doesn't help that my grandpa and maxine are old and eating mush food. Doesn't appeal to me, thanks. So i am laying in bed now, and i can hear my grandpa telling my mom how much he loves her and me. I know what's coming next, and so does my mom, so she reciprocates the sentiments, and changes the topic to something light before God enters the conversation. My initial reaction to religion now is horrible. I could easily offend if my censors aren't in full operation. I know not every religious person is mean and 2-faced. And i am being a hypocrite as well by judging people who believe in God. So, to change this, i really want to go to Amanda's church when i get back to SLO. They are open-minded, so it will be good. At least once.

And now i can hear my grandpa bringing the subject back... He's getting old, and he desperately wants to see us in the 'Kingdom of Heaven'. He's persistent. He says, "you want an afterlife, don't you?"
Well, actually, grandpa, i think this is heaven and hell. Where we are right now, on this earth, planet, living thing. Do you care for nothing but your own salvation? Kind of selfish don't you think?
I don't mean to offend. Just venting... Like Selene told me to do. "vent like Pele", the volcano.
I'm not afraid to speak my mind or stand up for what i believe, but i have not and will not force my ideas down someone else's throat. Which is why I am not mad about Oct. 19th and the day of silence from the pro-lifers. It's a good idea. I'd rather them keep their mouth shut anyway. It would be a nice change for them. So i have this fantasy of going to planned parenthood on that day and playing music about freedom. And singing and dancing around in practically nothing. The nothing part would be to get attention. The singing would be the statement. Maybe hand out flowers to the vile women harrassing the girls entering the building... And the girls of course. We'll see.

And what does Ashley always wind up talking about? Usually not in 3rd person...
Books! I am currently reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. It's a ridiculously old copy and fallin apart bit by bit. And i'm in love with it! It has sociology, twisted romance, crazy symbology, and an evil villain that's hard to pinpoint. It amazes me how much i have identified with every book i've read. Even more intensely in the past year. Can't wait to read Atlas Shrugged now.

So, the vaca, if you can call it that (hasn't been so far, but it will be soon), should proceed as follows: tomorrow morning we'll be driving to st. Louis to see the arch and eat at a bomb deli/bakery that we read about on yelp.com. Then we'll drop off the rental, and continue to Iowa City in our new '94 Chevy. This was my one and only request while on this road trip. So i can go visit my dear friend Amanda Horn (Maui friend). I'll be spending the night with her, smoke some ganja, catch up, and then we'll leave early Fri. Morning and drive as fast as possible without injury to Yellowstone! I am excited for the impending photog sesh. After that, we have no firm plans, except mom needs to be back in SLO by next Th. We were thinking of going through Zion, but we might be biting off more than we can chew.

Oh livejournal...

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(3) comment

[21 Nov 2009|03:26pm]
I forgot what I was going to say.

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